Today I went for the first time to Starbucks on my own, just to sit and think.  It was nice at first.  I was the only person there except for the two employees at the front.  Then a couple of teenage girls came in, and some ladies, and men, sitting down and talking and laughing and disturbing my peace…lol.

But I guess it was good to get away from home for a little bit.  Even when I’m just doing my own thing at home, there’s something about being around familiar people that makes me unable to think clearly about what I feel, what I think, what I want.  Everything becomes fuzzy when I’m around other people.

That’s why I daydream sometimes about getting away.  Someplace where there are no people around for miles.  Whether it be the wilderness or an abandoned (but not scary) town, someplace where being there makes me feel like I’m the only person in the whole world.  The last person left.  Is that a strange desire?  It’s not like I want everyone else dead.

I just want to feel for one second like life isn’t about living for anyone else - not about pleasing others, or making sure I’ve “done my part” i.e. washing dishes, going to work, etc., or about not rocking the boat by being too different.  Not sure if I’m making much sense anymore.

I guess I’m just scared to be me.